My Apologies....

I feel like I should start this off with an apology for the radio silence! Things have been incredibly hectic lately. I know, it's no excuse for leaving you in the dark for the last almost 2 months! So.... Let's get to the updates....

I survived (barely) my first Clomid cycle. Let me tell you, it was no picnic. Especially for my poor husband. I'm pretty sure he didn't know what to think of me. I didn't have the physical side effects that I've heard so much about, but man.... the emotional side was a trip! I cried at everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. Let's get something straight here- I am NOT a crier. Well, unless it's 4 am and I've had several drinks. Then, you can probably get tears out of me. But Clomid turned me into a blubbering heap. I even cried at Super Bowl commercials. In my defense, the Budweiser commercial with the horse was pretty sad. If you didn't at least tear up to that one, you have no soul. Anyway, so I go through the cycle crying and bitching and being completely out of control of my emotions. And guess what? NO BABY. Sheesh. You mean I have to do this again?! Ugh. I guess it was a good thing (if that's even possible) that there wasn't a pregnancy, because I had to get a second varicella (chickenpox) vaccine for nursing school. Which meant that I had to wait a month before we could try again. So, we're at that point, and I went to the RE today, and start Clomid tonight! My poor husband. Let's hope he survives this round. I did buy him a book (at the suggestion of a friend). "What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting." I will tell you that it is incredibly good advice. My husband said that it put things in perspective for him. If you and your significant other are at each other's throats over TTC, I highly recommend it. I read it myself, and I honestly enjoyed it. I learned a couple of things, too. So, that's where we are as of right now.... I will try to update after my appointment next week.

Wait, there's more, you say? Of course there is! Since my last update, we got a puppy! His name is Coco, we call him Glen Coco (think Mean Girls). He is a Chihuahua, but not the yappy kind. At least not yet. So far, he sleeps and poops and follows me around the house. He's my shadow. I LOVE him. I think he's exactly what we were missing. I also have been insanely busy with school. It's overwhelming at times, but I love it. I know that I'm working hard to make a great life for my family. Even if I do want to quit every other day.  ;) So NOW I think I've updated you on everything. Stay tuned, and keep the good baby juju thoughts flowing!

The Good News.... And to Hoping it's Always Good News

The appointment at the RE today went better than we had expected. Faster, too. We went in for the ultrasound accosting, and I had some questions about the trigger. The nurse said that she'd show us how to do it, but it was probably too early to trigger today. The doc then came in to do his duty.... He said that my lining looked good, and that I had two follicles measuring 17 & 19!! He said that I could go ahead and trigger right then and there! He said that I responded well to the Clomid. Way to be overachievers, ovaries! So.... We have strict 'family time' instructions (the husband was as far from disappointed as he could get), and I take a pregnancy test in 2 weeks. Now, I just need to fight the urge to think about it, take eleventy pregnancy tests, and learn to relax in the next two weeks. Hahahaha!

So if you try to contact us in the next couple of days and we don't answer, it's safe to say that you already know what we're up to.  :)

I'll probably update in a few days, since I've heard that I might feel like crap or have moments of insanity. I definitely took a ride on the Clomid crazy train there for a few days. Wow- I cried at just about anything for 2 days straight. And then I watched Patch Adams. Not my brightest idea. Hopefully I've learned my lesson.

Keep those good thoughts a-comin'!!

Change of Plans

For those of you that are on my Facebook, you probably already know this information, but for everyone else, here's an update!

Before I ever went to the RE appointment, my referring doctor wrote a prescription for Clomid. I was going to take it when I got a period. Well, that didn't happen until the day of the RE appointment (97  So if you read my last post, you know that we didn't have the greatest weekend in this house. No worries, though- we're back to flowers and rainbows (or glitter and unicorns as I like to say). Anyway, the Clomid in our house has been calling me. It's saying crazy things like, "Aaaaaassssssshhhhhhhllllleeeeiiiiiggggghhhhhh.... Psst.... Hey. I'm right here. Don't you wanna take me? C'mon, let's make a baby!" Now I don't know if you know this, but Clomid is an obnoxious little bitch! I finally succumbed to the calls, and contacted my RE's office. They wanted to see what my Ovarian Reserve said and also my husband's sperm analysis. It turns out that my ovaries are healthier than expected for my age, and my hubby's swimmers are good! Sooooooo.... Yeah. I started Clomid on Tuesday. We're going to try a Clomid/intercourse cycle and see what happens. We have another appointment on Tuesday for a monitoring ultrasound, and to see if I'm ready to trigger!

So far, I haven't had any nasty side effects that I've been hearing about. I hope it stays that way. And of course I hope this works. Wouldn't that be something?

Keep that good baby juju coming!! I'll let you know what happens on Tuesday!

Appointment Update (and some other unsavory thoughts)

Well, we had our first appointment with the fertility specialist yesterday.... He seemed pretty nice, and the office staff was very informative. What, that's not what you wanted to hear? You want to down and dirty details? Ok, ok.... Here ya go:

First of all, after 96 days since my last period, AF decided to show up in the middle of my nursing lab. Well played. Maybe it was just because it had been so long and I had forgotten, but DAMN those cramps! So we got to the office and met with the nurse who walked us through what would happen. I then met with the doctor who asked me all kinds of questions. By the end of the chat he got enough information that we probably should never look each other in the eyes again. Then we went back into the exam room where I was to be accosted with the ultrasound wand. That's right- period, cramps, guy prodding you with a dildo cam.... FANtastic. I was slightly impressed that the doctor did the ultrasound himself. I was unaware that they even knew how to turn the machine on! So he's looking around and says that my right ovary is weak, and my left one is fine. He said he liked the left one. Well, my right one isn't too fond of you either, buddy. After the ultrasound, we went back into the doctor's office to have another chat. He said that I can do one of two things, but he is taking into consideration that the craptacular insurance I have covers nothing, so he is trying to maximize our results. I can do a Clomid/IUI combo, but he says that carries about a 20% chance of pregnancy. He also seems to think that all of the strips I've been peeing on are incorrect. he said that my labs show that I have in fact ovulated. Huh. Maybe I don't know how to read 2 lines. So basically, the Clomid/IUI would be more for someone who is not ovulating to get the ovaries stimulated. The other (and way more expensive option) is IVF. IVF carries about a 50-60% chance of pregnancy. I'm not too keen on the rest of this though. It's around $15,000 (IUI is around $2000 for the first attempt and gets cheaper the more you do it), and requires invasive procedures and anesthesia. We ended the appointment with an order for some (MORE) blood work for me, and a cup for Jody. We're supposed to have this done by our next visit on the 29th. I immediately went to the lab to get stabbed. The cup is still in the backseat of the car. This is where my day went from bad to worse. There was an argument about obtaining said sperm sample. I now feel like a worthless person because I just don't have it in me to obtain it. Things were said, I cried (and still will at the drop of a hat). I don't know what I want to do at this point. I don't want my marriage to fall apart because of the financial situation or because I don't see how I need to be the one to get a sperm sample. I can't help feeling like I got the short end of the stick on this one- but at the same time I can't help feeling guilty because I feel this way. It's ridiculous and I hate it all. To top it all off, I was so absorbed in what had happened, and upset enough that I completely forgot to take an online quiz for nursing school. So now I am even more depressed and disappointed in myself. I can't even focus on the things that I have to get done that are right in front of me. Maybe I need to take a step back from this babymaking thing and focus on things one at a time. Clearly I am unable to multitask. Ugh. So, I guess I'll wait and see what happens by my next appointment. Stay tuned! It's edge of your seat entertainment, I know....

Rambling

Hey, all! I realize that I haven't exactly been good about keeping things up around here. Well, that's because not a whole lot has been going on. I'm on cycle day 86, still no stupid period. I went to the doctor last week, and they did some blood work, but essentially told me I have to wait. Wait is not in my vocabulary. Neither is patience. But I guess willing Aunt Flo to show up isn't working, so I guess I do have to suck it up and wait. Ugh. I have an appointment with the fertility specialist on the 17th, so hopefully I get some answers there.

The holidays were crazy and fun, but 2013 isn't starting out the greatest. I'm hoping for that to change- and that's all I can do is hope, right? Wish me luck. I'm starting to go crazy over here. I curse my non-functioning lady parts daily. I have friends that are going through much rougher things right now, so I feel bad bitching about not having a period, but I'm still mad. So.... Here's to 2013. I hope it improves, and that I don't have to wait much longer.

I'm Having a Pity Party, and You're Invited!

Ugh. I'm just having a rough day. I'm emotional, and stressed, and just UGH. Too many things have been frustrating me this week.  Here is a list:

- Finals week came and went.  When my grade for my Physiology final posted, it said I got a 0%. Um, what?!?!? How did I not get ONE question right?? I emailed my instructor and also the dragon lady (I've never actually met her, I've just heard stories) who writes the tests and inputs the grades. She emails me back a couple of days later telling me that she found my Scantron sheet still in the folder. I got a 42%. Still not even close to passing, or even meeting the requirement to pass the class with a C, but it at least eased my mind a little to know that I didn't get every single question wrong.  I also took an online class (Medical Terminology). I got an A on the final, which brought my 'weighted grade' to a 93.06%- an A in the class.... Or so I thought. I looked at my final grades and I somehow got a B in the class. I have emailed that instructor as well, and hope she replies soon. This kind of stuff just makes me feel like a total loser and failure.

- I have a TON of things that I have to get done before my 1st semester of nursing school starts. I had to be a human pin cushion there for about a month, I had to go through a physical, a background check, and a drug screen. I have to upload a bunch of stuff to this website.... Well, all of this is due on the 21st, and I don't think that I'm going to have all of it in there. Yes, most of this is my fault. Some of it was out of my control. My doctor's office couldn't get me in for the physical until December 4th, I had to get a 2nd tb test, and I found out that I am not immune to chickenpox, so I have to go through a 2 step vaccination process (awesome, more needles). I was a crazy person while preparing for finals, and I just didn't put enough into getting the rest of the stuff (the drug screen and the background check) done on time. I hope it is not too much of an issue with getting into the program. I am in the process of getting everything done, but some of the stuff takes 3-5 business days. Whoops. I can't believe I waited too long. Once again, feeling like a loser.

- Dear old Aunt Flo still hasn't arrived at our house. I'm not exactly sure what she's waiting for.... I feel like I have raging PMS all of the time, I've gained like 6 lbs because all I want to eat are carbs and chocolate. I am an emotional mess. I have cramps. I'm bloated. My boobs hurt (and I think they're swollen). Yet, NO FREAKING PERIOD. I finished the 10 days of Prometrium and didn't start. So I called my doctor, and they said to wait 10 more days. Um, that lands me right on Christmas Eve. My birthday is on Christmas Day. My anxiety level is through the roof. It's probably not a good idea to set me off this week. Or next. Or any week until AF shows her ugly dragon lady face (maybe that lady from school is actually my aunt). Chances are, all I'm going to do is become a massive heap of tears. But I may yell at you. I don't mean it, I swear. It's my uterus and ovaries that are making me do it. I'm normally a pretty nice lady. I just feel very much on edge right now. And, as in the previous statements above, a total flipping loser.

Ok, I think I'm done with this Pity Party. I'm going to take my party hat off and put on my big girl panties now. Well, I'm going to try to. No guarantees. Sigh.

No News Isn't Necessarily Good News

So, at bedtime tonight, I will be taking my 5th dose of Prometrium.... Still no Auntie in town (she's now 27 days late), but lots of general icky feelings. Who woulda thunk I'd actually be looking forward to a period?! Have I finally lost it?? As I type this, I kinda want to hurl. Man, I can't imagine how my husband doesn't find me super sexy.... I was pretty excited that I made it through the major weekend events without feeling super nasty though. I got to see a friend that I haven't spent a lot of time with in the past few years, and we went on a double date with our neighbors. It was a nice (and alcohol free-yikes!) weekend.

To distract my churning stomach, I've decided to make a list of things about myself since some of you are still in the getting to know me phase. So, here ya go!

- I hate almost all bugs. The only ones I can even tolerate are praying mantises. Or is that manti? Whatever. I hear that they are considered good luck. I found on my porch the day I bought my house, and then over the summer another one crawled right up on my hand and even posed for a pic. It never tried to kill me or even jump. Yeah, they're cool in my book. I think they should go on a crusade against spiders. Before you start that crap about how spiders are helpful, I have never been helped by a spider, unless you count the time I had one jump at me which resulted in helping me have a full load of laundry....

- I was the 6th grade Spelling Bee champ. I made it to the city competition and lost on the word description. Seriously?! Yep. Caved under pressure.

- I LOVE baby bumps. Not in that creepy stranger in the mall kind of way, but if I know you and you have one, you can guarantee I'm going to talk to your kid. Maybe even sing. I also just got a shiny new badass stethoscope, so I can't wait until my pregnant co-worker is further along so I can accost her midsection with it.

- Yo Gabba Gabba and the Wonder Pets are creepy as hell. I have to bring this up because Wonder Pets are on my tv right now. The 5 year old twins from next door are here. They love these shows, they give me nightmares.

- I'm nervous. I'm nervous that I'm going to become a crazy lady while trying to get a baby in my own belly. I'm nervous that nothing is going to work. I'm new to all of this, so it's kind of ridiculous to be this nervous this early, but I can't help it. Maybe it's more like being anxious and impatient, since I am definitely both of those things.

- I have a potty mouth. This is something I'm going to have to control someday....

That's all for now. You can't have all of the information on me at once. That would be a major overload! So, think happy thoughts, pray, throw some good juju our way, whatever it is that you do. I appreciate it.