Tuesday, December 18, 2012

I'm Having a Pity Party, and You're Invited!

Ugh. I'm just having a rough day. I'm emotional, and stressed, and just UGH. Too many things have been frustrating me this week.  Here is a list:

- Finals week came and went.  When my grade for my Physiology final posted, it said I got a 0%. Um, what?!?!? How did I not get ONE question right?? I emailed my instructor and also the dragon lady (I've never actually met her, I've just heard stories) who writes the tests and inputs the grades. She emails me back a couple of days later telling me that she found my Scantron sheet still in the folder. I got a 42%. Still not even close to passing, or even meeting the requirement to pass the class with a C, but it at least eased my mind a little to know that I didn't get every single question wrong.  I also took an online class (Medical Terminology). I got an A on the final, which brought my 'weighted grade' to a 93.06%- an A in the class.... Or so I thought. I looked at my final grades and I somehow got a B in the class. I have emailed that instructor as well, and hope she replies soon. This kind of stuff just makes me feel like a total loser and failure.

- I have a TON of things that I have to get done before my 1st semester of nursing school starts. I had to be a human pin cushion there for about a month, I had to go through a physical, a background check, and a drug screen. I have to upload a bunch of stuff to this website.... Well, all of this is due on the 21st, and I don't think that I'm going to have all of it in there. Yes, most of this is my fault. Some of it was out of my control. My doctor's office couldn't get me in for the physical until December 4th, I had to get a 2nd tb test, and I found out that I am not immune to chickenpox, so I have to go through a 2 step vaccination process (awesome, more needles). I was a crazy person while preparing for finals, and I just didn't put enough into getting the rest of the stuff (the drug screen and the background check) done on time. I hope it is not too much of an issue with getting into the program. I am in the process of getting everything done, but some of the stuff takes 3-5 business days. Whoops. I can't believe I waited too long. Once again, feeling like a loser.

- Dear old Aunt Flo still hasn't arrived at our house. I'm not exactly sure what she's waiting for.... I feel like I have raging PMS all of the time, I've gained like 6 lbs because all I want to eat are carbs and chocolate. I am an emotional mess. I have cramps. I'm bloated. My boobs hurt (and I think they're swollen). Yet, NO FREAKING PERIOD. I finished the 10 days of Prometrium and didn't start. So I called my doctor, and they said to wait 10 more days. Um, that lands me right on Christmas Eve. My birthday is on Christmas Day. My anxiety level is through the roof. It's probably not a good idea to set me off this week. Or next. Or any week until AF shows her ugly dragon lady face (maybe that lady from school is actually my aunt). Chances are, all I'm going to do is become a massive heap of tears. But I may yell at you. I don't mean it, I swear. It's my uterus and ovaries that are making me do it. I'm normally a pretty nice lady. I just feel very much on edge right now. And, as in the previous statements above, a total flipping loser.

Ok, I think I'm done with this Pity Party. I'm going to take my party hat off and put on my big girl panties now. Well, I'm going to try to. No guarantees. Sigh.

Monday, December 10, 2012

No News Isn't Necessarily Good News

So, at bedtime tonight, I will be taking my 5th dose of Prometrium.... Still no Auntie in town (she's now 27 days late), but lots of general icky feelings. Who woulda thunk I'd actually be looking forward to a period?! Have I finally lost it?? As I type this, I kinda want to hurl. Man, I can't imagine how my husband doesn't find me super sexy.... I was pretty excited that I made it through the major weekend events without feeling super nasty though. I got to see a friend that I haven't spent a lot of time with in the past few years, and we went on a double date with our neighbors. It was a nice (and alcohol free-yikes!) weekend.

To distract my churning stomach, I've decided to make a list of things about myself since some of you are still in the getting to know me phase. So, here ya go!

- I hate almost all bugs. The only ones I can even tolerate are praying mantises. Or is that manti? Whatever. I hear that they are considered good luck. I found on my porch the day I bought my house, and then over the summer another one crawled right up on my hand and even posed for a pic. It never tried to kill me or even jump. Yeah, they're cool in my book. I think they should go on a crusade against spiders. Before you start that crap about how spiders are helpful, I have never been helped by a spider, unless you count the time I had one jump at me which resulted in helping me have a full load of laundry....

- I was the 6th grade Spelling Bee champ. I made it to the city competition and lost on the word description. Seriously?! Yep. Caved under pressure.

- I LOVE baby bumps. Not in that creepy stranger in the mall kind of way, but if I know you and you have one, you can guarantee I'm going to talk to your kid. Maybe even sing. I also just got a shiny new badass stethoscope, so I can't wait until my pregnant co-worker is further along so I can accost her midsection with it.

- Yo Gabba Gabba and the Wonder Pets are creepy as hell. I have to bring this up because Wonder Pets are on my tv right now. The 5 year old twins from next door are here. They love these shows, they give me nightmares.

- I'm nervous. I'm nervous that I'm going to become a crazy lady while trying to get a baby in my own belly. I'm nervous that nothing is going to work. I'm new to all of this, so it's kind of ridiculous to be this nervous this early, but I can't help it. Maybe it's more like being anxious and impatient, since I am definitely both of those things.

- I have a potty mouth. This is something I'm going to have to control someday....

That's all for now. You can't have all of the information on me at once. That would be a major overload! So, think happy thoughts, pray, throw some good juju our way, whatever it is that you do. I appreciate it.

Friday, December 7, 2012

You Mean It Takes More Than a Case of Beer to Get Pregnant?

So, I guess I should start this bad boy off with an introduction. Hi, my name is Ashleigh, and I'm infertile. This is the part where you say, "Hi Ashleigh!" Ok, now that that's settled, I can start my story. On August 10th, 2012, I married my actual best friend. How freaking cool is that? We never had to go through the awful getting-to-know-you-so-I can't-poop-or-fart-or-belch-in-your-presence phase. From the time we started dating, we knew we wanted a family. So much in fact, that we started trying early. We knew that we could get married at any time, I could finish my degree at any time, but the clock was ticking on kids. I'm about to turn 34 (gasp!), and Jody is 38. We knew we wouldn't have the conventional be married, travel the world, party all of the time, and then at some point have a baby. So, we started trying. I didn't expect that I would get pregnant the first month of trying (which I'll get to the reasons why in a moment), but when the months turned into a year, I got a little concerned. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) a couple of years ago. After talking to my doctor and having an ultrasound (which I had the images of my ovaries on the refrigerator for a while. Don't judge, people with babies do it all of the time), they didn't seem to think I would have any problems getting pregnant. It's been about 4 years since I've been diagnosed, and no babies.

Fast forward to the present. For the past 3 months I have been peeing in a cup for 20 days in a row to see if I'm ovulating. And for 3 months, I have failed every single test. It really is exhausting, and it really does make me feel like less of a woman. It's kind of ridiculous, actually. You spend most of your teenage/adult years trying to avoid all of this, and then when you want it the most, your body fails you. So, you go through all of these emotions. You're disappointed that you have ANOTHER negative test. You're sad because you have to wait again, you're flat out pissed off because you swear the universe is against you. You've finally found your "one" and all you want to do is share your love with a child and YOU CAN'T DO IT. Ugh. Sorry, I think I just had a mood swing there. So on Tuesday I went to the doctor for a physical for Nursing school. Yes, I'm going to school to become a nurse. I actually want to be a midwife. I think. Ask me again in a couple of months. While I was there, I told the NP that I was on day 53 of what should normally be a 28 day cycle (except mine averages 31 days). She talked to my doctor, and we decided that I was going to start progesterone for 10 days to force a period. If and when I get a period, I will start Clomid on day 5 to stimulate my bootleg ovaries into actually ovulating. Part of my physical was a surprise gynecological exam. I'm such a fan of those.... Said no woman ever. She said that everything looked good, felt the way it was supposed to, so we're going to wait and see what happens with the hormones. Let me tell you about the hormones: THEY SUCK. I feel horrible all day long. Nauseated, dizzy, and tired. Pregnancy should be a real treat. Oh, and the mood swings are awesome. You should ask my poor husband about me ripping his head off for asking me to give him a shirt so he could throw it in the washing machine. It got kinda ugly there for a minute. I'm already irritated because he doesn't have to do half of the awful stuff I do. I actually had to go to his doctor's appointment with him yesterday, because I couldn't trust him to ask the doctor for sperm analysis orders himself. Oh, poor baby, you get to watch porn and make a deposit? That must be terrible. I have to pause here for a minute and say that I am actually a very lucky woman. I have a very supportive husband in all of this. It's just frustrating that it's too embarrassing to talk about sperm when I'm having my insides violated and I'm on the emotional rollercoaster from hell. He did end up bringing it up on his own. I think maybe my death stare helped him out a little bit.  You know, gave him that extra boost of confidence....  ;) Either way, I'm proud of him, and it does show me that we're in this together.

So, that's where we are as of right now. I got a call today from the fertility specialist. We have an appointment on January 17th. Let's hope that we can get Jody to the lab before then. Sigh.... I'm probably going to have to bribe him with McDonalds. Sheesh. He's kinda like a kid, so I should be getting good practice, right?